Thursday, February 11, 2010

This baby has a dent. Can I get it for discount?

Right now I am sitting in a completely purple room, listening to jazz music that is way over my head and thinking about, well, shit. I didn't know where I should start with this, so I figured I would take it back to the beginning - when I was birthed.

March 18, 1987: I was born into this world at 12:34? 12:43? 12:33? 12:54? Anyways, that's not really what I mean to say; I'm trying to say I was born dead. How was I almost a dumpster baby you wonder?

Was I a still born? Cliche. Born Premature? Who wasn't? Dropped on my head? That's coming later, trust me. Mom got to drunk for St Patrick's day and gave birth to me in a rat infested alley? I can only wish! Actually, I ate my own shit. No, seriously, I really can't make that up; let me repeat it. I ate my own shit.

Apparently when I was a fetus, I got so impatient waiting to be born, that I just went ahead and let one go. Now that I look back at it, this has been a pattern for my entire life. Not taking an uncontrollable crap per say, but being so impatient. Personally, I blame it on Internet porn and video games, but I'm no doctor. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, eating my own shit, born dead, blah blah blah. There I was, hanging out, trying not to be born, raising hell in my mother's uterus. That's about the time I see this alien matter I have never seen before. It smelled like fish, (I loved fish at a young age ) come to think of it everything kind of smelled like fish back then, weird. So naturally, I inhaled it. Literally, I inhaled all of it. That's about the time someone on the outside of the womb noticed things were going very, very wrong. I can only imagine what was said. "The baby's heartbeat just stopped, we need to save his life." or "Five bucks says that baby just ate his own shit and is choking to death." Pretty sure it was a mixture of both with a couple of laughs sprinkled in for good measure. To get me out as soon as possibly from the womb and save my life, the doctor uses forceps. Kind of like needle nose pliers, but for getting a baby out of a vagina. In all of the hurry and all of the rush, I managed to get a fracture on the left side of my skull. Did my parent sue? Nope. I just got to keep a cool dent that I whip out when I meet people for the first time. Kind of like a freak show. It doesn't get me laid or anything, but people seem to really warm up to you when you announce your flaws right off the bat. Now again, I'm no doctor, but everything wrong with me, is on the left side of my body, just like my dent. Coincidence? I have skin the texture of an orange peel on my left knee. A bone growth behind that same knee, and my left testicle is all kinds of fucked up. I digress. The doctors did manage to whisk me away after being born and pump the poo out of my lungs; I am very thankful for that. When I look back now and think about now- hows that for foreshadowing - wait what the fuck did I just say? Anyways, I inhaled my own feces, but was given a second chance at life. If I subliminally learned anything from this experience, it was to chew my food. This explains why I remain such a skinny awkward figure instead of some lard based soul. I should probably write a book about force feeding your babies shit so they don't become fat kids. I don't think it would catch on though; so many mothers are already force fed so much shit it would never trickle down to the babies. Speaking of eating shit, anyone heard Trickle Down?

Skip ahead a year or two, my family lives in Maryland, and I am one cute baby. My dad is doing that thing parents do when they throw the baby up in the air and hold them above their head to get a laugh or to shut up a crying baby. At the time I was not having any of that. Given that I'm a fucking baby, 6 - 7 feet is like the earth to the moon at that age. Now I was told I was naked at the time, which I have to ask, what is my dad doing throwing me to the moon and back naked? In the middle of all of this there was an Apollo 13 like moment; and in my dad's words. "Ya took a shit right in my face." Well of course, I was dropped, and probably on my left side. Which now that I think about it, might be the true story behind this dent.

1 comment:

  1. I was laying on my back tossing you only a foot or two up when you delivered some Austin sushi to my face. Sorry, no drop that time -the dent was from being born. The orange peel and maybe the lump are maybe from LSD & me in 1972-1978. The testicle I figure is from some girl getting even with you for something.